THE FOLLOWER: Niebuhr Statue Comes to Life: Chaos from Students, Staff, Victor E. Takes Matters Into His own Hands
DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Leader’s satire issue, The Follower, which released on April 1, 2026.
On April 1, Elmhurst University came to life when multiple storms moved through the area. Many strikes of lightning hit the campus, causing a mysterious spell never seen before.
The Reinhold Niebuhr statue was directly struck with lightning at exactly midnight, coming to life and taking no delay in harassing students.
He yelled at students for dressing in a way he claimed was “unbecoming of the next generation of theologians.” He was then told that EU does not train men to go into priesthood anymore, and you would have thought he was a statue again, until he went on yet another of his famous rants. The lecture included why this generation lacks morals, the root causes of the lack of audience in church, and finally why — oh why — was he living in an ashtray.
When his lecture was done, he wandered around campus, helped pick up trash, and talked to unfazed groundskeepers who just kept doing their jobs and acted as if this was normal. When he started to get hungry, he went to the cafe and tried to get food, but he was told he needed a meal swipe. After several minutes of Niebuhr furrowing his brow, sweating a mile a minute, and nearly in tears figuring out what to swipe, an annoyed worker gave him a receipt and said, “Fine — don’t tell or I’ll lose my job.”
Niebuhr grabbed a piece of undercooked chicken, stale rice, and a molding banana. He spit out his first bite of food and yelled, “God can this school do anything right? First you dress improperly and tell me you are moving away from the Lord. Next, you feed me this garbage.”
Next thing you know, the storm picked up again, and more lightning struck, even coming inside the cafe and hitting Niebuhr once again, freezing him in time. This storm was different. It felt man-made — because it was. Students looked across the mall and standing in the center was Victor E. Bluejay, holding Thor’s Hammer.
