THE FOLLOWER: The Plastic Game of Thrones: Student Builds Flatware Furniture

DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Leader’s satire issue, The Follower, which released on April 1, 2026.

In what faculty, campus security, and dining hall employees are calling “the least efficient crime of the semester,” sophomore Caleb Dinkmeyer, an engineering and design major, reportedly spent three months stealing forks, spoons, and butter knives from the campus dining hall to build what he described as a “plastic throne fit for a king.”

After finding out that stealing and carrying dozens of metal utensils a day wasn’t the quietest or most inconspicuous way of getting supplies, he turned to plastic utensils for their flexibility and ease of stealing.

Despite his description of the throne as fit for a king, many witnesses confirmed that it was entirely made of stolen silverware, zip ties, a pool noodle, and what appeared to be melted cafeteria trays.

“It started with one fork,” Dinkmeyer told reporters while being asked to step away from the salad bar. “Then I thought, what if I had like a hundred forks? Then I thought, you know, someone like me could use their own custom seat.”

His roommates saw the project quickly take over their dorm with utensils everywhere, cut and put together. At first, they assumed Dinkmeyer was working on a school project or maybe an extra-credit assignment.

“He kept saying it was for ‘structural integrity’ and to ‘create a legacy,’ said roommate Jason Hall. “I didn’t realize creating a legacy meant stealing 215 spoons, 247 forks, and 209 knives.”

The finished throne, unveiled at 2:30 a.m. in the middle of the dorm lounge, featured armrests put together with taped knives and a pool noodle split in half, a backrest lined with bent spoons, and a cupholder that was “surprisingly well designed.” Dinkmeyer then sat down wearing sunglasses and a custom crown made up of leftover utensils, declaring himself the “King of the Bluejays.”

Campus officials became suspicious after the dining hall noticed students eating yogurt with their hands.

“At first we thought there had been a supply chain issue,” said business student Jay Lehman. “Then someone found an entire chair leg made out of serving spoons.”

The throne was later confiscated by campus security after Dinkmeyer attempted to charge freshmen $5 to sit in it and take photos. He now faces disciplinary action, as well as several questions from confused art students, who admitted the piece was “conceptually bold,” while environmental science majors said it was a commentary on how we use plastic.

When asked whether he regretted his actions, Dinkmeyer responded, “History never appreciates vision at the moment,” he said while security officers carried away the world’s sharpest chair. He also asked the officers if he could at least keep the cup holder.