THE FOLLOWER: Troy VanAken Grants Presidential Pardons to Boots, Bob Squirrel, Himself

DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Leader’s satire issue, The Follower, which released on April 1, 2026.

On April 1, President Troy VanAken gave out many pardons, including to Boots the cat, who was a known trespasser on Elmhurst University’s campus and got caught and placed in cat jail for having 1 gram of catnip (campus maximum is 0.9 grams).
VanAken also pardoned himself after a fender bender with a group of bicyclists who were riding to support the cause of reducing bicycle accidents and impaired driving. He has apologized for this accident and has donated $600,000 (his yearly salary) to research safer bicycle habits.
The last pardon VanAken gave was to Bob the squirrel, who was known to assault and harass many students and steal their lunch while glaring at them.
At the press conference, VanAken made this statement: “I have always believed in justice for people and animals, even if their crimes are as heinous as having 1 gram of catnip. Some crimes should not even be crimes. No one told me hitting people wouldn’t just earn me extra XP.”