The Super Bowl told through a gay man’s eyes

While I was more excited to see the “Euphoria” bowl on Feb. 13, I was stuck watching the Super Bowl all night. 

This may come as a shocker, but I am not an avid sports fan. I always was forced to participate in every sport imaginable, and would never even make it through a whole season. The only sport I never got the chance to tackle (pun intended) was football. 

Watching sports has never been my go-to source of entertainment. Sometimes I will catch myself watching hockey, but most times you will never see me in the same room as a sports broadcast. However I am from a family where sports is huge, they all bond over it, so sometimes I am subjected to watching even if I do not want to.

Feb. 13 is an example of one of those days. I was stuck watching the game with my family instead of Maddie and Cassie. While I have seen a football game before, I truly do not remember much of the rules. 

Rooting for the Bengals just because I love a fun print, here is a play-by-play of how I interpreted the events of the Super Bowl as someone who is not a sports fan, and is very gay: 

I walk into the game already upset because the Rams scored the first touchdown. No reaction from any of my family members, like it never happened. It also could be due to the fact that no one in my family really cares about the teams playing. 

It’s very confusing for me to distinguish what is going on. One second I notice the Bengals have the ball then the next the Rams do. I will never understand football, it is not the sport for me. 

The uniforms on both team sides are so ugly. First off, the blue and yellow combination on the Rams is so boring, and the shade of yellow is horrific. Their helmets could’ve been fun, but they are just bland. 

The Bengals definitely have the better uniform, but of course it still is not as exciting as I would envision it. I appreciate the stripes on the pants, but I wish there was more print present. I noticed the cheerleaders on the side — boring uniforms all around. Where is the excitement?

Back to sports, I caught myself screaming at the TV before any of my family members at the one-handed catch from player number one on the Bengals. It was quite a good play, something I could never envision. 

A three point field goal ends the first quarter of the big game, and I am already more interested in the commercials than the actual gameplay. 

The second quarter starts, and I have to be honest, it is already a snooze fest for me. There is no aggressive tackling, and nothing is shocking me or anyone surrounding me. I do not understand how people get so invested in all of this. 

While I may be rooting for the Bengals, may I mention that the head coach for the Rams is catching my eye every time he is on screen? What an attractive man. 

Another touchdown is scored by the Rams, and I have already lost faith in my beloved (not really beloved) Bengals; they have sealed their fate. The score is 13–3, as the Bengals got by with a weird play that didn’t allow the Rams to score a field goal (is that what it’s called?).

In what my brother called a “trick play” (he’s straight so I trust his terminology), the Bengals finally get their first touchdown, changing the score to 13–10. 

In the midst of me trying to get an amazing picture for you all, I did not pay attention to the rest of the second quarter. The scores stayed the same, so I am positive nothing amazing happened. Now I anticipate the halftime show, even though I am not excited for it.

As my mom says after it ended, “that was kinda lame.” The show is an incohesive rush of all their hits — boring. The camera work is a mess; I felt like we’re not getting any of the right shots, which is a huge disappointment. Next year, I’m going to need a Cher halftime show. 

The third quarter starts off strong with the Bengals scoring a touchdown, which catches my attention after almost being put to sleep during the halftime show. The score is now 17–13 with the Bengals winning and I start to feel faith once again for the team I started to root for five seconds ago.

Even more excitement happens right after, as there is an interception (again, pardon me if the terminology is wrong). The Bengals seem to have gained a lot of momentum after a rocky start, and now I am slowly starting to be excited for this team. 

I am informed by my brother that the Bengals made another field goal, changing the score to 20–13. You definitely can see tensions rising amongst the Rams, as it seems like the momentum they started with is dying down.

Another field goal is made, this time by the Rams; the score is now 16–20. I don’t know how football works, maybe I jumped the gun too soon in my predictions. 

After taking a quick nap, I wake up to the third quarter ending with the same score and an injured quarterback. The two seconds of excitement I feel quickly go away, leaving me begging for it to end. 

The fourth quarter starts and it is a snoozefest. Yet another player gets injured — he seems important, but I am sure the team will be fine. We have less than five minutes left in the entire game, and nothing has happened. It’s such a boring end to the game, I need something exciting to happen real quick. 

Two minutes left. My dad and my brother are anxiously waiting to see what happens. The Rams are slowly but surely making their way toward the end zone, but there is not a lot of excitement going on. I need something like a fight to pique my interest. 

I have no idea what’s happening, but a penalty is called when the Rams seemingly scored a touchdown. We are awaiting the results and they are dragging this out. A repeat of the first down has to happen and the Rams did not score a touchdown yet.

Flags are in play again, making me more confused. I know something interesting is happening because my brother and my dad are anxious, but I do not understand what it is.

The Rams finally score a touchdown which brings some excitement to this game, making the score 23–20 with the Rams in the lead and seeming like they are going to win. 

An incomplete pass seems to mark the end of the game, and the Rams are already celebrating a win even though there is still time on the clock. My brother is trying to explain why the game is ending but I am lost. “The referees gave this game to LA,” says my dad.

This was the most boring three hours of my life. I do not understand how people avidly watch this every week. Shoutout to the Rams for winning, your uniforms are very ugly.