Can’t Get Your Ass to Class on Time? Here Are the 5 Best Reasons to Be Late

A local Elmhurst train pulls into the Elmhurst Metra train station. || PHOTO BY Star Herring

So, first day on campus. Some of you will be early. Some of you will be “on time,” and SOME of you will be late. For those of you who will be late to classes during the first week, this is for you — from your friendly neighborhood multimedia editor.

1. You Got Stuck in Front of a Freight Train

You were driving to campus when you thought to yourself, “I have enough time to make it back. I’m right in downtown Elmhurst,” and then it happens. The red lights flash, the gates go down, and cars stop like they’ve seen an alien.

You let out an audible sigh, checking the time. It’s 3:20 p.m. You have only 10 minutes left until your class starts. Thankfully, it’s only one train, right? No reason to freak out, right?

Sorry, but the downtown Elmhurst tracks are UNFORGIVING, CRUEL, and RUTHLESS. Another freight train makes its way down the tracks; now you can freak out. Fifteen minutes pass, and now you’re driving in the Alexander lot. Lucky you! You get a parking spot.

You walk into class and grab a seat in the back when your professor asks for your name. You tell them you were stuck behind the freight trains. They look at you; you look at them. They tell you they’re sorry, but they will have to mark you as absent. Luckily for you, there’s extra credit work that can be done! HOORAY! More classwork, am I right?

2. You Had to Debate Greek Philosopher Socrates

So you were walking past the Ashtray and to Daniels Hall. You forget to look at the room number and accidentally walk through the wrong door. You look up and you’re outside in Ancient Greece.

Your whole outfit is changed, and you start walking a bit only to come across Socrates. You start debating him about education. Unfortunately for you, you lose the debate and out of shame, you start running back the way you came.

Somehow, you’re back in Daniels Hall now. You finally find the room you were looking for in the first place. Walking in, your professor asks why you were late and all you say is that you traveled to Ancient Greece through a portal in Daniels Hall. Your professor tells you to sit down and listen to the lecture. Fortunately for you, it’s a seminar class.

3. Squirrels Took Your Car for a Joyride

So let’s just say you were driving to campus, sleep deprived as all tired college students are.

For whatever reason, the gate surrounding Langhorst Field is down, and as any clout-chasing cool freshman does, you drive right onto the field. Obviously you get 10 cool points for that.

Then out of nowhere your car stops. Uh-oh. So you go out of your car and thankfully, somehow no one’s shown up to yell at you yet. But then you hear squirrels. You look around, but you don’t see anything.

Seems strange, but you make your way to the hood when all of a sudden your car starts. Multiple squirrels appear in your car, and all you can think is, “How?” Well who knows, but all we know is the squirrels are just built differently.

You take out your phone and snap a photo of the silliness going on and make your way to your 2 p.m. class. Your professor asks why you were late and you can’t utter any words besides “squirrel.” You show your professor your photo. You are excused.

4. You Forgot Your PRADA Outfit

So you’ve moved in and it’s the first day of classes. You’ve prepared for this. You go to your closet and uh-oh, it seems like you forgot one important outfit for the first day, your most expensive outfit, the outfit you so badly wanted to wear to flex on everyone on campus. YOUR PRADA OUTFIT.

This outfit cost you almost $8,000. You CANNOT go to class without that outfit. Unfortunately for you, class starts in 15 minutes. You scan your closet, but you don’t find anything that compares. What to do? AN IDEA STRIKES: “I’ll just email my professor. What could go wrong?”

The email reads, “Unfortunately I cannot make it to class today. I forgot my $8000 Prada outfit at home, and I cannot come to class unless I have that shit on. I am very sorry.” Then you click send, anxiously awaiting a response from your professor. Five minutes go by and then, ding.

You open the email and your professor replies, “Uh okay…well make sure to have your outfit by next class, but just so you know my fit is harder.” You check the attachment that was sent and your professor is wearing a $10,000 outfit, flexing their watch. You feel devastated that your fit isn’t hard, but you got off scot-free thankfully, and better yet, you’re taking a fashion class.

5. “I Found Something. I Found a Place. It’s Massive in There.”

So, first-day jitters right? Well this one gets worse. You woke up early, had a good breakfast at the dining hall, and had time to spare before your 12 p.m. class. So, you end up going to the library to check over all your syllabuses, and you decide to get some water. You make your way down toward the fountains when you notice a painting on the wall.

Intrigued by the painting, you step a bit closer and WHOOSH. You’re now in this yellow-lit office space with only overhead lights that flicker constantly. The buzz of the lights is the first thing you notice before seeing the seemingly endless hallways.

You decide you’re going to be brave and do some exploring. You walk for what seems like a few minutes before coming across a freakishly tall bluejay mascot walking with Chartwells food in its hand. It starts chasing after you, and you run toward where you remember entering from. Thankfully you get out okay. Panicking, you grab your bag and sprint out of the library, going towards your class.

Your professor asks why you were late and you check the time. It’s now 12:45 p.m., almost the end of your class. All you could say is, “I found something. I found a place. It’s massive in there.”